In non-injury, non-exploitation, non-sleeping-with-Kate-Hudson related baseball news, the oldest living ballplayer, 103-year old Emilio Navarro, threw out the the ceremonial first pitch before the Oakland Athletics-San Diego Padres game on Saturday night as guest of the Padres for their annual salute to the Negro Leagues. That sounds a lot better than what the Cleveland Indians did last year, when they had "Negro Leagues Poster Night!" and it was like a 9 x 11 printout of a baseball sitting on dirt with the words NEGRO LEAGUES on it.
Oh, and before you say anything, I know Emilio got to go to high school (and was offered a spot playing in college, because he was/is awesome), I just titled tonight's Dugout like I did to continue our exploratory essays on how the easiest way to get into the bigs these days is to be the oldest or the youngest something.
Andrew reported Monday that the young Mr. Harper is skipping out on his junior and senior years of high school in order to make himself eligible for the 2010 draft. On one hand, don't worry, because he's planning on earning a GED. On the other hand, worry, because he's going to miss out on the quasi-consequential stuff that every patriotic public school kid missed out on. The Great Gatsby, right? The green light, right?
You're lucky that it was just a Dugout! A bad driver and not even a Dugout, after the jump!
The image to the right is of White Sox slugger Carlos Quentin's leg breaking off at the foot and spraying the clubhouse with his highly-pressurized, inner goos.
The word around orthopedic circles is that Quentin may need to wear special, theraputic shoes to correct leg-to-footal inaccuracies and keep him off the disabled list. You can't hear "guy needs to wear special shoes" and go to any other joke, so do not expect me to make that here. Instead, what follows is an empassioned discussion about gel inserts, and how they make the bottom of your feet feel great but squish the top of your foot into the top of your shoe.
The White Sox experienced an awful Thursday. They were beaten 20-1, their most lopsided loss in history, by the Twins. Worse, their plans to acquire one of the best pitchers in baseball, Jake Peavy, were dashed. Things were so bad that I felt it appropriate to post a picture of a non-smiling Jim Thome. It took me a while to dig one up.
Friday's Dugout, specifically engineered to draw the ire of White Sox fans, is after the jump.
On April 16th, 1916, Ray Shook suited up for the Chicago White Sox ... or so they say. I invite you to take a look at his career statistics. If the statistics are to be believed, Ray Shook played one career game, but made zero plate appearances. To boot, he did not pitch, and he did not field. Perhaps he was brought in as a pinch runner at some point, or perhaps he never played at all.
Ray Shook is quite possibly the least consequential baseball player of all time, trumping even Moonlight Graham. April 16th was his day. He was celebrated. Then some jerk named Jackie Robinson got famous and had April 15th named after him. Shook was forgotten. To my knowledge, the only picture of him on the Internet is the one to the right, which I just drew in Microsoft Paint.
I hereby commence belated celebration for Ray Shook Day, and I encourage you to do the same by ... not playing baseball, I suppose. Today's Dugout is after the jump.
There is no greater time than the beginning of baseball season, especially when you write for a sports blog and you happen to be so beloved by the Christian God that he manipulates the happenstance of professional sports to make your feature better.
That's exactly what happened today, when the Kansas City Royals opened up their season in Chicago against the White Sox. If you don't know what happened, allow me to set the stage. The White Sox and Royals were supposed to open the season on Monday, but the conditions weren't perfect and the stars weren't aligned, and a bitter cold forced them to postpone the game for a day. The Royals were up 2-1, but when the White Sox came up to bat in the eighth... well, I'll let you read about it, because hahaha
The 2009 Dugout Season starts tonight, after the jump.
The Chicago White Sox are exactly the kind of proactive team the AL Central needs. They aren't afraid to sign a guy with broken feet, or start calling their own players homophobic epithets in August when the news starts dying down, or blame all of their problems on a computer that predicted them to be worse than they'll probably be. They're fighting against technology! They're like Will Smith! And what better way to deal with the Central than with a well placed "aw hell naw?"
Tonight's Spring Training Dugout thinks deeply, after the jump.
According to insider reports, Ozzie Guillen knows how he wants to die: on the field, mid-pitching change. He wants to die, be dragged off the field, and replaced instantaneously. In equally important news, the sky is blue and Kyle Farnsworth's favorite food is "hamburgers."
But no Ozzie sentence can go unanalyzed, so here is not only a comic about what he said, but about what he said before and after the comment with liberal existential nonsense from WordupThome.
Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. That's it, bring in the next man.
Surprisingly enough, tonight's Dugout is not a parody of Watchmen! It's about how a lady is going to testify that she watched trainer Greg Anderson inject Barry Bonds with steroids, thereby proving that he purjured himself in a court of law and must be sentenced to imprisonment. Commissioner Bud Selig has gone as far to say that he'll suspend Bonds for a few games during the 2009 season! This story keeps getting crazier and crazier, folks!
Oh, and before I forget, I couldn't for the life of me find a picture of alleged butt-watcher Kathy Hoskins, so portraying her in tonight's strip will be Cathy from the Cathy comics.
In case you have not been reading for the last year, the Dugout part of The Dugout can be found after the jump!
This is my first Dugout for the newly redesigned FanHouse, and it's the fulfillment of a dream. I always wanted to write inside of a Reebok commercial!
Because there is nothing you care about more than the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, you must know by now that Jeff Foxworthy is a tool of the Atlanta Braves. They use him to convince free agents to play for them. Do you think they tried that with C.C. Sabathia? He seems like the kind of guy who would really dig JEFF FOXWORTHY.
Fun fact No. 1 is that Jeff Foxworthy is a family friend. He and my Dad, a country music morning DJ, are fairly buddy-buddy and my parents have a Foxworthy platinum album hanging in their living room. Fun fact No. 2 is that it is my birthday! Aren't facts fun? This morning's Dugout is after the jump.
In non-injury, non-exploitation, non-sleeping-with-Kate-Hudson related baseball news, the oldest living ballplayer, 103-year old Emilio Navarro, threw out the the ceremonial first pitch before the Oakland Athletics-San Diego Padres game on Saturday night as guest of the Padres for their annual salute to the Negro Leagues. That sounds a lot better than what the Cleveland Indians did last year, when they had "Negro Leagues Poster Night!" and it was like a 9 x 11 printout of a baseball sitting on dirt with the words NEGRO LEAGUES on it. 
The image to the right is of White Sox slugger 
The 
On April 16th, 1916, 
There is no greater time than the beginning of baseball season, especially when you write for a sports blog and you happen to be so beloved by the Christian God that he manipulates the happenstance of professional sports to make your feature better. 
The Chicago White Sox are exactly the kind of proactive team the AL Central needs. They aren't afraid to sign a guy with broken feet, or start calling their own players homophobic epithets in August when the news starts dying down, or blame all of their problems on a computer that predicted them to be worse than they'll probably be. They're fighting against technology! They're like Will Smith! And what better way to deal with the Central than with a well placed "aw hell naw?"
According to 
Surprisingly enough, tonight's Dugout is not a parody of Watchmen! It's about how 
This is my first Dugout for the newly redesigned FanHouse, and it's the fulfillment of a dream. I always wanted to write inside of a Reebok commercial!
