FanHouse Alabama

Every Monday during college football's endless offseason, The FanHouse Walk will put last week's stories to bed and deliver the essentials to bridge that agonizing space between now and September.

If He Can Get On The Field, Play Ball -- It's come to this: the 13-year-old brother of Tennessee safety Eric Berry has pledged to play football for the Vols. Nevermind that he's not even in high school, but the kid's set on Orange and who is Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin to say no? The saving grace in all of this is that verbals are non-binding and four years is a lot of time to fill where both parties could easily part ways.

Last week, the NCAA's Committee on Infractions brought the "hammer" down on Alabama. They vacated wins, turned a lampshade askew in the football offices, fined the University for the improprieties related to the textbook scandal, and turned the windshield wipers on Nick Saban's Mercedes so they pointed towards the sky. Up instead of down! Oh, snap. The NCAA got straight crazy up in the joint. Oh, and the fine the multi-billion dollar NCAA levied? Try $43,900. That's less than it costs a parent to send his or her kid to Vanderbilt.

I'm sure Alabama is trembling deep beneath the brim of their houndstooth hats. Especially given that Alabama had a total athletic department revenue of $88.9 million in 2007-2008. What's the NCAA penalty for major infractions represent within the context of Alabama's overall budget? Try .0004938 of the overall total.

I don't know if the NCAA will officially release a statement acknowledging that their Web site overloaded this afternoon at 2 PM CT when the penalties against Alabama were posted, but for one hour around that time, it was impossible to access the site.

It would be fascinating to see the data of where the site traffic was coming from. My guess is the state of Alabama in first place, and the state of Tennessee in second place. Third place? The state of Louisiana. Followed by Mississippi and Georgia in fourth and fifth place. Seeing data on a day like this would serve to objectively catalog the relative hate and strength of rivalries in the Southland once and for all. But that's too much to ask, the NCAA can't even keep their Web site functioning. This was the message on the front page of the site:

NCAA.org is experiencing temporary technical problems. Please try again in a few minutes. Some services can still be accessed through the links below.

Its a day late but definitely not a dollar short, as the NCAA will reportedly come down on Alabama to the tune of an unknown number of vacated football victories between 2005 and 2007, three additional years of probation and a cash penalty, according to the Birmingham News.

Alabama football players and athletes in several other sports were involved in a prohibited textbook and materials disbursement scheme. It's seemingly benign stuff compared to recent allegations against Memphis and USC, but this is Alabama we're talking about, which seems to have its Brooks Was Here moment every time it finds itself paroled.

It's come to this, Alabama fans are tailgating outside of a new play based on Bear Bryant's life. Which is an improvement over what they would have been doing if Mike Shula was still coach, lighting themselves on fire with their red and white pom-pons in the parking lot. The play, entitled Bear Country, will be playing at Birmingham's Shakespeare Festival from August 6-20. It's already debuted to rave reviews and sellouts in Montgomery, Ala. In honor of the Bear, I decided that nothing would make more sense than a play about four fans tailgating before Bear's play begins. So here goes.

Characters:

Dale -- A 45-year old owner of an auto-body repair shop who fixes cars while wearing a houndstooth cap. His first child was named Bear, his second was named Bryant. He is now divorced.

DeMarcus Milliner has Alabama and Auburn fans in his family. The rivalry didn't stop Milliner, considered the nation's top prep cornerback by recruiting analysts, from displaying his sense of humor around family members when it came to his recruitment.

There were days when Milliner told his father, a devoted Alabama fan, he had decided to attend Florida. The next day it might have been Georgia. Or LSU. Milliner's good-natured personality actually helped him deal with the pressures surrounding the recruiting process.

On Thursday, however, the joking stopped -- but Milliner's smile was just as bright. That's when Milliner, from Millbrook, Ala., verbally committed to attend Alabama in 2010. Milliner made the announcement in front of family, friends, fans and various media outlets in his school gymnasium at Stanhope Elmore High.

Auburn's new coach Gene Chizik has remained under the radar thus far. Fortunately here at the ClayNation column we became aware that each new coach has to stand up and introduce himself to the other SEC coaches at the annual coaches meeting.

Fortunately we were able to capture the entirety of this fabricated introduction. And now we can fabricate it for your enjoyment today. Meet Gene Chizik. Already his introductory speech is being called the Gettysburg Address of Auburn football.

It's been an eventful offseason for SEC football. The addition of Lane Kiffin to the coaching ranks gave the conference another huge name. Instead of taking his lumps at Tennessee after the disastrous end to the Phil Fulmer era, Kiffin came out swinging.

Not only did he and his staff work to sign a top-ten recruiting class, but Kiffin also managed to alienate virtually everyone outside of the Volunteers fan base.

The SEC coaches meetings rolled into Destin, Fla., this week, and Lane Kiffin washed ashore.

You know Kiffin, the man who brought a Molotov cocktail to the SEC tea party, the guy who coaches like tickets have to be sold for the latest WWE event. You halfway expect for him to enter press conferences wearing orange tights, grab the mike, scream invectives at his rivals, then spike the microphone, kiss his biceps, and leave without taking questions. Kiffin coaches college football like Vince McMahon helms the WWE, it's all about creating a buzz.

Weird story here, as Alabama kicker Leigh Tiffin was allegedly assaulted early Wednesday morning. He was apparently attacked from behind, motive unknown, and taken to the hospital. The attack happened near an entertainment district in Tuscaloosa.

Additional reports indicate his injuries are minor -- right hand, right leg, toes on both feet -- and that he has been released from the hospital. The Bama Beat says no arrests have been made and that police believe his involvement was "only as a victim." Kermit T. Frog once said it isn't easy being green. Tiffin proves it isn't easy being a kicker, either.